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Wednesday, June 21, 2017

The Girl Scout Cookie Factory

The Girl Scout Cookie factory was constructed in the 1940s and was consistently upgraded over the years until its closure about 5 years ago.

From the earliest beginnings of the organization right up until 1973, under-performing Girl Scouts were sent to forced-labor camps. By around 1917, the most profitable labor program was the production of the new Girl Scout cookies. The highest producing laborers in the cookie camps could easily erase several years off of their sentence as long as they met the quality assurance guidelines for cookie production. The lowest producing Girl Laborers as they were called, however, were not so lucky. At the end of each shift when the numbers were counted, the lowest-producing 5% of the workforce was punished. The punishment was often so severe that many of the laborers, allegedly, chose to jump into the boiling vats instead of facing the harsh penalties. The facility managers, being under extremely tight scrutiny by the organization, didn't have the resources to stop production on account of unexpected additional "ingredients". Eventually they, allegedly, worked it into a new recipe and stopped issuing extraneous punishments altogether, in favor of streamlining the process by simply forcing the lowest 5% into the vats directly. The cookies produced from this modified recipe were known as "Soylent Green Mints" which were supposedly named after the primary ingredient which was "high-energy plankton" found in the ocean. The Soylent Green Mints were far and above their most popular cookie for decades.

In 1973, however, an escaped Girl Laborer (who was presumed dead after going missing during the third shift) turned up at a hospital with serious allegations against the organization. The most notable allegation was that Soylent Green Mints were not actually plankton but were instead a combination of flour, various artificial mint flavorings and human remains. The Girl Scouts naturally denied these allegations. But a disgruntled maintenance worker by the name of Frank Thorn stepped forward with promises of damning evidence. Unfortunately, Mr Thorn's body was found floating in the river days later and his apartment was burned to the ground. The case was brought to court but it was deemed a mistrial because none of the mint cookies were ever made available for testing. The criminal case was dropped and the civil case was settled out of court without the Girl Scouts ever publicly admitting the ingredients of Soylent Green Mints. Bad publicity, however, did force them to change the name of their most popular cookie to "Thin Mints".

Despite the controversy and the years-long legal battle, this facility continued producing cookies around the clock. It wasn't until the dwindling numbers of local Girl Laborers made it increasingly difficult to maintain production levels at this now outdated facility. A new factory was built at a non-disclosed location near a major urban metropolis and is now the world's sole producer of Thin Mints.

The GIRL SCOUTS® name and mark, and all associated trademarks and logotypes, including GIRL SCOUT COOKIES® and THIN MINTS® are owned by Girl Scouts of the USA and any similarities between the information presented here and reality itself are purely accidental.

Click here for the video.

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

Factory #4 © 2016 sublunar

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