Sublunar Photography

This is a mostly true account of a long and terrible ordeal that I endured in the mountains of Kansas. Reader discretion is advised.

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Gather around, my friends, and listen to the story which I am about to tell for the lessons contained herein may save your life some day. I was lucky to escape with mine. It all began on this very night an arbitrary number of years ago. I was out hiking the mountains with my wife when a storm came out of nowhere. We found a spot and set up the tent and waited for the storm to pass. Day turned into night and the rain only got worse. We slept and in the morning the skies were cleared up. But the sky was different. Everything was different. I began to wonder if we had been poisoned. Before the thought had taken the form of a verbal proposition, we heard footsteps. Loud footsteps. It sounded as if the whole mountain was being smashed down. Trees creaked and snapped, birds screamed and flew off in large numbers. A large shadowy figure loomed towards us and we had no place to run. I thought we were going to die. The massive beast moved in for the kill and finally I could see it but I didn't believe my eyes.

It was a brontosaurus. The brontosaurus spoke thusly: "Be ye not afraid my children. I am the guardian of the mountain and protector of the lost. You have gone further than you could possibly comprehend and you must turn back before it's too late. I fear you are in grave danger." I shouted back: "Where are we? What danger are we in?" To which the brontosaurus replied "There is no need to shout. I am speaking to you telepathically. You have entered the realm of the Mysticosaurs. We have been guarding this gateway for an eternity. You have come here without the proper credentials and must obtain the key before the others awaken and come for you." I said "Oh great brontosaurus! How impressive is your appearance and wise your words. Grant me the wisdom to find the key and escape this place!" The brontosaurus replied "My name is Steven the Magnificent. You may call me Steve the Magnificent. To locate the key and travel back to your world is a treacherous task. You must project yourself to the 32nd Chevron. There's no time for questions now you must go! Travel down to the ancient lake and inquire with the snake who lives therein. Do not delay!" I offered him my thanks and my wife and I headed down the mountain to the lake.

The lake was mystical and dark. Smoke rose from its depths. I called out for the snake. Just then the smoke took the form of a serpent and the serpent spoke to me. "What do you want?" I said "Steven the Magnificent sent me here so that you could help us escape this place. He said we were in grave danger." "Steve is correct. The portal to your world lies beyond the 32nd Chevron." I asked "How do we get there?" The snake replied "You take the first right after the 5th Chevron and follow that all the way until the Eye of Horus, then make 4 left turns and employ the Spirits of Darkness. The Spirits of Darkness will blindfold you in their blue 1972 Dodge bus numbered "23" before transporting you to the 31st Chevron. They'll drop you off in the Desert, where you have to starve to death before the Lizard King revives you with the Grip of the Lion. From there I'll pick you up and you'll ride me 7 miles through the desert. We'll go East in the direction of the Fire on the Mountain and once you get to the Unfinished Pyramid, draw a doorway in the sand next to the Eucalyptus trees. When the moon is full, this doorway will glow green. This is the ethereal gate of the 32nd Chevron. Say "Open Sesame" and click your heels together 3 times. A midget will appear. Cut his head off and drink the blood. The blood will alter your physical body for 24 hours, giving you the ability to travel through the gate. If you stay over 24 hours, your body will dissolve forever. Bury his head on top of the nearest hill and plant an acacia tree over the grave. Cut his body into 7 pieces and scatter them at the various chakras of the earth. To get back, do everything in reverse. Got it?" I replied "Yes. I understand... But wait. How do I get to the 5th Chevron?" "I will bite you", he said. "My venom is a powerful psychotropic. It will prepare you for the journey." My wife was worried but gave her permission. I let the snake bite me. And then we headed off.

Everything went according to plan. I traveled through the gate of the 32nd Chevron and attained the key of enlightenment. It was a black piece of rock resembling coal. I put it in my fanny pack and when I turned around we were ambushed by a Tyrannosaur.

The snake and the Tyrannosaur fought each other while I tried to stay hidden. Eventually it was clear the Tyrannosaur was winning the fight. Thankfully at this time my wife heard the commotion and came to our rescue. She punched the Tyrannosaur in the face. He cried like a little bitch and he and his triceratops friend ran back into the woods. I held the snake in my hands and as he died he whispered to me "Take this key to the temple of rust on top of the mountain. Place it in the altar and you will be transported back to your world. Now I shall die." I left him there and ran back to my wife. We hiked for days and finally reached the temple.

Upon reaching the temple, we were greeted by the temple's elder priest.

I informed him of the ordeal and he made me climb around a bunch of stuff before he finally took me to the altar. I thanked him and shook his hand. When I placed the key into the altar, the temple disintegrated and we woke up back at home as if from a dream. I checked and the bite marks from the snake were vanishing. Thankfully I had my camera with me and took these photos. Had someone told me this could happen I would have never believed them. Having lived it myself personally I can only accept these facts, tell my story and present photographic evidence of the extraordinary for the benefit of all of mankind.

Some people say this place used to be a coal products facility which operated from the early to mid 20th Century and processed about $7 Million USD worth of product annually. But those of us who know better will tell you with no uncertainty that it is actually a mythical temple which resides in the astral plane, accessible only through deep contemplation and the use of psychotropics.